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Written By Georg Kehrhahn
Nowadays there is a lot of parenting books on the market, where specialists in their respective fields deals with the questions of parenting. One thing that always comes to mind is that once a child is doing something good like for example in academics or sports, they are very quick to sing the praises of their children in the public sphere. However is that a true reflection of the relationship between the parent and the child? As an individual sitting on the outside with no children I see how houses and family structures works when all the glamour of the child success has vanished.
Parents measure their parental skills very often in the successes of their children and once the desired out-come hasn’t been achieved a lot of shouting and other forms leads to feelings of incompetence in the child as well as feeling of no use or value. No wonder "crimes against woman and children became the norm of the day, because these crimes normally come as a result of their family history. If a child grows up in a household where parents fight with each other in the presence of the child and/or even abusing one another, what type of example does it set for the child when they see it in their forming years? The chances is good that it will become normal and therefore sets a negative example which will have grievous consequences for the child as the child continues to develop him or herself. Therefore, knowing this and the responsibility which rests upon my shoulder it might even be enough reason why I would rather choose to be without children. During their teenage years these negative trends starts to show its head indifferent ways.
Girls—teenage pregnancies, because the parents didn’t show them the love which they are craving for. Not a love that can be bought by expensive gifts or giving them what their hearts desire, but simply your time, your presence etc. Signs of rebellion can be seen and estimated at a very young age. Girls pushing her father away are a sure picture that something isn’t in order between her and her Father or any man as matter of fact. Therefore, winning the heart of your daughter is like dating or courting your wife for the very first time. Being in different households and observing child/parent relationship acting out with violent tendencies does occur sometimes in the presence of a stranger, showing the desperate out cry of wanting to be accepted.
Boys, however have a different way by rebelling using alcohol and drugs and before you know it your child is trapped and involved with the wrong crowds. Being part of your child’s life means that you get to know his/her heart, how they think, how they feel, with whom they hang out with, all being done without putting your own expectations upon them. Do not let your failures become their failures by comparing them to yourself or the children they come into contact with. Give a boy a man’s responsibility and a girl their responsibility when the time is right. Allow them to make mistakes for no one is perfect and without faults. Children shouldn’t have the feeling that they can’t talk to their parents about important issues, because when that happens they search for answers in different places in an environment where the world is so eager to provide solutions to those in search of understanding and meaning as well as a place where they belong. I have found that most teenagers would rather want to talk about difficult issues with their youth workers or pastors and upon asking them why they would respond in two ways; either my parents does not have the time to hear me out because they are to busy and in a sense I am in their way or they would say "My parents do not understand how it is to be young today and therefore they either might condemn me when I tell them that this or they won’t take me seriously. Going to the youth worker or pastor is sometimes their last resort, before they resort to something more drastically like attempting or committing suicide because they can never find the favor of their parents and that is why every teenage suicide is so sad, because perhaps it could have been avoided when it was picked up at an earlier stage and all the why and resentment questions that the parents have could have been avoided. These are a few guidelines to help you strengthening your parental skills:
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Affirm to your child your love for them him/her despite their weaknesses and failures.
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Allow your child their emotions and do not belittle them in any way.
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Allow your child to express his/her feelings for if you do not do that the child will never be able to share with you again.
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Treat each child separately from the other siblings, for competition among them could destroy their relationship.
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Set time apart for them, especially during a normal daily routine, make appointments with them like going to watch a sport event or having a tea party with your daughter.
This article is by no means an attempt to tell parents how to raise their children, rather it is an attempt to raise awareness that parents is playing the lead role in destroying their children’s life. Of course there are other reasons like taking the wrong turn under severe group pressure that could turn children totally against their parents and using it to manipulate them, but to have parents jailing their children is just an example of destroying a child’s life in its totality, taking away the last grain of hope that the child has in trying to make it into this difficult world. Therefore, parents shouldn’t become yet another burden on their already over-burdened child, but a vessel of hope to which they feel free to return when the storms of life forces them to return to the only place which is supposed to be safe, namely their family home. The Parable of the Prodigal Son tells us the story of a Father who had all the reason under the sun to kick him out, but instead he took him in, put clean new robes and a ring on his finger restoring him once again in his rightful place within the Family.
Maybe we should watch the movies and read the books which entails parental information again like Courageous and do it prayerfully, allowing God to show us where we can improve in setting out the roadmap for our children and the generations which is to follow.
People on the outside do look inside other family systems to learn and to grow. Yes, young people base their decisions regarding having a family and with who through the actions of others. We cannot allow our children to show finger to us and blaming us for their dismay and therefore being a parent doesn’t stop once the child is out of the house and therefore the atmosphere must be set for them to return whenever they want to knowing that they will not be condemned, rather they will be affirmed as being valuable and precious.
In conclusion I would like to quote a phrase from the movie "Courageous": "Fathers should be a visual representation of the Character of God their Father in Heaven. The Father should love his children and seek to win their hearts. He should protect them, discipline them and teach them about God. He should model to them how to walk in integrity and treat others with respect. He should call out in his children to live responsibly and what matters for eternity. You can’t fall asleep at the wheel only to wake up only to wake up one day and realize that your job or your hobbies have no eternal value, but the souls of your children do".—Alex Kendrick
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